Ima Dumass

For weeks now my furnace has been making a very loud noise. It still works just fine, not that we have needed it much what with all of the 80 degree January days we are having, but all of a sudden it started being tremendously noisy. I mean loud to the point of wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-when-it-comes-on noisy. Of course, it is just outside the bedrooms.

So, finally, I called my home warranty company and arranged for someone to come out and look at it. Even got someone to come after 5pm so I didn't have to do the whole "we'll be there between 8am and noon" thing, only to have them finally show up at noon-thirty.

Interestingly (or maybe not), when I described the problem to the home warranty lady, she told me that as long as it was still working, fixing the noise problem might not be covered under the warranty. She said they could send someone out to look at it, but if the repair wasn't covered then I would have to wait until it actually breaks to get it fixed.

Well what the fuck????????

Not only that, she said if it didn't break within 30 days of the original service call, I'd have to pay the service call fee again. So all week I have been devising various ways I can make my furnace break, just in case.

The guy shows up yesterday, opens up the closet door and takes a listen. He immediately diagnoses the problem as the air-something-something is off-center. Simple to fix. Whew.

Then, after I turned the system off and he is waiting for it to shut off completely, he looks and says, "Oh, wait. Looks like there's something in there, making it off-center."

There's...something... IN... there?

Immediately I'm thinking RAT. NO!!!!! Oh the embarrassment, the absolute humiliation. And yet, better HE should encounter said rat than me.

"Yeah, looks like it's a bag." He reaches in and pulls out a plastic Target bag.

A Target bag? A Target bag. "How did that get in there, through the closed door?" I wonder aloud.

He says he doesn't know but to turn the system back on. Nice and quiet now, almost purrs like a kitten.

A BAG. NO!!!!! Oh the embarrassment, the absolute humiliation...

"So," I say as I'm writing out my $45 check, "I'll bet this was the easiest job you've had all day."

"Actually, it wasn't. You'd be surprised how many times a day all I have to do to fix something is flip a switch."

"Ah, the breaker," I said knowingly. "Even I know to check that first if it doesn't work. But my system was working, you see. It was just noisy. Blather blather blather blather."

A vain attempt at trying to salvage my dignity.

"Yeah, it's ok," he says. "I've made service calls for dumber reasons than this."

Gee, thanks. I feel better now.